


A Christmas Cracker

by Ardwynna



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Christmas, Conspiracy, Cookies, Gen, Secrets, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 15:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17123927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ardwynna/pseuds/Ardwynna
Summary: A comfortable chair by a roaring fire to rest in and enjoy hot chocolate and gingerbread sounds like the best winter treat in the world. But for Sephiroth, respite comes with a price, and a few shady revelations. He's about to learn the secret of Christmas.





	A Christmas Cracker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Up_sideand_down](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Up_sideand_down/gifts).



The town lay miles behind. The crater lay even more miles ahead. Sephiroth kept walking. The puppet would catch up, once he stopped grieving. The sparkle of snow beneath stars gave way to the dull grey-white of a clouded night. Snowfall began, then intensified. The wind was picking up speed. 

All part of going further north. An ordinary person would die in minutes here, out in the piercing cold, but Sephiroth wasn’t ordinary. He didn’t need the sun or the stars to find his way in under an ash grey sky. The wind couldn’t blow him off his course. He knew the way ahead as well as the way behind. He could not get lost.

_“You’re lost, Sephiroth.”_

_“I am not, Mom, I don’t get lost.”_

And that was what he kept telling himself. Right up to the point he hit his head on the striped pole and passed out in the dark.

***

“Is he dead?”

“Unfortunately, no.”

“The bossman hasn’t seen him yet. We’ve still got time to make him dead.”

Sephiroth came up swinging. “Back off, you little-” He looked around. 

Four scowling faces looked up at him. Four scowling faces with pointy ears and little green hats, on four rather tiny people, all dressed in red and green with jingle bell buttons and very pointy shoes. The grumpiest-looking of the bunch huffed. “It’s going to be messy to kill him now.”

Sephiroth said the only thing sensible to be said in that moment. “What the fuck?”

_“Language.”_

__

__

_“Not now, Mom, we’ve got a situation.”_ He reared up to full height, reaching for the masamune, finding nothing. “Where’s my sword?”

“Told you,” Grumpyface said. “Gotta make him dead.”

“Make who dead?” A loud voice boomed around the corner. 

“Nobody!” All four little people responded, snapping to attention. 

“I said, ‘Get him to bed’,” said the grumpy one.

“But we don’t have a spare bed big enough,” said another. 

“Well,” said the speaker, coming around the corner, a bearded old man clad all in red velvet and white fur, “we’ll have to work something out, won’t we.”

_“My word,”_ Mother said inside Sephiroth’s head. 

Sephiroth brought his guard up and his hands down. “What the hell is going on?”

“He cracked his head on the Pole, Boss,” one of the little people said.

“We found him out cold in the snow.”

“Ho, ho, well, that’s generally how people feel when there’s snow involved,” the old man said. He leaned forward and peered at Sephiroth, twinkling eyes studying the SOLDIER’s face from behind a pair of little old-fashioned bifocals. 

Sephiroth reared back. “What are you doing?”

“Checking for bumps and bruises,” the old man said. Sephiroth refused to think the obvious, even with the little people pitterpattering and jingle-jangling all around him. After all, there was no such thing as-

“Well, you seem to be in good shape,” the old man said. “Would have had the Missus patch you up if you weren’t.”

Sephiroth’s knees wobbled. “There’s a missus too?” 

“Of course there is. She’s baking up a fresh batch of gingerbread, as we speak.”

“Gingerbread?” Sephiroth wobbled some more. 

“Ho no, young man, quick, take a seat.” Little hands and large guided Sephiroth to an armchair near the fire. “Get him some hot chocolate, Pepper,” the old man said. 

“Right away, Boss,” and the youngest of the little people, or youngest-looking at any rate, hustled off down the hallway. The other three hovered. Sephiroth tried not to meet anyone’s eyes. Easy enough, given their height. 

“Are you alright now, young man?” his host asked. Sephiroth blinked and turned his head towards the roaring hearth.

“I thought I was,” he said. “I must have hit my head harder than I thought.”

“Double chocolate with extra cinnamon,” Pepper called from the doorway, pattering over on little jingly shoes to shove the steaming mug into Sephiroth’s hands. 

“Thank you,” he said, taking three deep, calming, chocolate-infused breaths. “Pepper, was it?”

“Yes,” said the little person. “Pepper Myntleef the Third. Pleased to meet you.”

“Uh, likewise,” Sephiroth said. He leaned far back into the chair and hid his face in hot chocolate. 

“Well, you might as well meet the rest of the crew,” his host said. “There’s Bowse.”

A little person completely in green did a little soft shoe step and bowed. “Bowse O’Holly, at your service.” 

“And this is Kandi.”

“Kandi Kain, of the Kalm Kains,” Kandi said.

Sephiroth nodded. “Nice to meet you.” At least his manners were functional. 

“And old Wunorse,” his host said, slapping Grumpyface on the shoulder. “This place wouldn’t run the same without him.” Wunorse fixed a death glare on Sephiroth, reminding him that he still didn’t know where his sword was. 

“Now you just sit tight, young man,” his host said. “Drink up your chocolate, rest your head, and you’ll be fine as sugarplums in no time.”

“Right.” Sephiroth took a deep sip of hot chocolate, stared into the cup and then drank some more. Might as well, it was the best he’d ever had. 

“Now I’m off to see to some paperwork.” The big man turned. “Busy time of year, you know. Have to check everything twice.”

“Right,” Sephiroth said, sinking further into his chair. 

“And you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask the elves.”

Sephiroth choked on his chocolate and sat sputtering. Kandi went over to the hallway, staring after their boss until he was out of earshot. 

“He’s out of the way.”

The smiles were gone. No more little half-dance and jingle all the way when they walked. Bowse shut the door. Wunorse reached into the umbrella stand and grabbed a candy cane, the largest Sephiroth had ever seen. The old elf advanced, smacking the striped stick on his palm. 

Sephiroth huffed. “Does your boss know what a bunch of murderous little thugs he’s got working in his workshop?” The elves all froze. “Look, I’m not stupid. I know where I am. Not sure how I got here, but I know where I am.”

“And that’s the problem,” Wunorse said, smacking the cane with meaning. “Nobody’s supposed to know we’re here. That’s why you’ve got to go.”

Sephiroth sighed. “Couldn’t I just take a vow of secrecy? In the spirit of the season, or something?” He swirled his mug around to dislodge the last marshmallow. “It’s not like I’ve got anybody to tell anyway. And where did you put my sword?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Bowse said. 

“I would, actually, yes. That’s why I asked. Also, is there any more hot chocolate?”

Kandi and Pepper shared a look. “He got comfortable mighty quick.”

“Have pity, I hit my head,” Sephiroth said. “And you’re planning to off me anyway, so you might as well give me a last meal.”

Pepper sighed. “I guess we could at least do that,” the elf said, and took off down the hall. 

“Throw in some fresh gingerbread,” Bowse called. “It’s easier to whack ‘em when they’re sleepy and full.”

“Easier? Gaia, how many people do you all bump off?” Sephiroth set his mug down. “I have to say, this is extremely unexpected. None of the stories ever mention this.”

“Of course not,” Wunorse said. “It’s all about image, you see.”

“Not really,” Sephiroth said, sinking further back into the chair. 

“There’s a lot more to keeping this place going than hammering away in the old man’s assembly line,” Bowse said. 

“It ain’t all cookies and mistletoe,” said Kandi. 

Wunorse took a step closer. “There’s the magic of belief to be preserved, you see.”

“A certain… mystique.” Kandi made flourishes in the air. 

“You understand the necessity now, don’t you, young ‘un?” Bowse asked.

“No,” Sephiroth said, “but suddenly all those holiday horror movies make a lot more sense. And the old man is okay with this?”

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” said Bowse.

“Somebody’s got to do the dirty work around here,” Wunorse said, “and for three thousand years, that’s been us. Mostly me, but all of us.” 

“Three thou- How long do you live?”

“A lot longer than you ever will,” said Kandi, whipping out a nutcracker.

“Hey, hey, hey, what do you think you’re doing with that?” Sephiroth sprang up, standing on the seat cushions. He could take them on barehanded if he had to, but for all he knew they were practically immortal, and there had to be more than just them to keep a toy factory running. And nutcracker battles could get nasty. 

“HO HO NO, young man!” The Boss’s voice came booming down the hallway again. Wunorse leaned on the candy cane like the frail old man he clearly wasn’t. Kandi slid the nutcracker away. Even Sephiroth jumped off the chair and sat like a civilized person. Some people you just didn’t want seeing you be misbehave. 

The jolly old man rounded the corner. “We have a slight situation here, young man.”

“You don’t say,” Sephiroth muttered. 

The man unfurled a parchment list at least a dozen feet long. “You’re on the naughty list.”

Sephiroth nodded. “I figured. Probably since I was twelve. Maybe sooner, I'm not sure. I never really got any presents.”

The list rolled up off the floor by itself. “And you don’t have a problem with that?” the host asked. 

Sephiroth shrugged. “I don’t see that there was any help for it. I got sent out to kill people early and that was that.”

The old man sank into his chair, tut-tutting at Sephiroth. “There are allowances to be made if it wasn’t something you would have done on your own, but that thing you did yesterday...” The rosiness of the cheeks seemed to pale a little even in the firelight. “You’ve pretty much sealed it.”

“What thing? Oh, the Cetra girl.” Sephiroth huffed. “Yes, I supposed genocide is a step too far for anyone.”

The old man leaned forward, peering at Sephiroth through the bifocals again. The elves were leaning forward too, waiting for the official word. “Now normally, young man,” he said, “I’d put coal in your stocking. But we don’t have enough coal for the likes of you since the mine in Corel shut down.”

“Just as well,” Sephiroth said, seeing an opening. “I never had a stocking. Thank you for the hot chocolate. I think I’m fine now, and I wouldn’t want to be in the way. I’ll just be on my way.” A flurry of protest went up from the elves. 

“He can’t leave now,” said Kandi.

Bowse nodded. “The weather outside is frightful.”

“He has to stay for his hot chocolate!” Pepper called, rounding the corner with a piping hot mug and a stolid woman clad in fur-edged skirts coming up behind her. 

“What is this about wanting to leave?” the woman said. “Not before you’ve had yourself some of my gingerbread.” She brandished a plate at him, full of little iced figures. 

_“Ugh, her,”_ Mother said and sighed. _“Mind your manners, Sephiroth.”_

“Thank you, Ma’am,” Sephiroth said, wondering what his mother knew. He helped himself to a gingerbread reindeer and ate the head first. 

“What seems to be the trouble?” the Missus asked. 

“Poor fella’s on the naughty list,” her husband said, “and I’m afraid it’s serious. Not seeing any chance for a holiday redemption for this one.”

“Oh, come on,” the Missus said, “Nobody’s that bad.” Her husband leaned in to whisper in her ear. Sephiroth sipped his hot chocolate and returned Wunorse’s death glare. 

“My goodness,” said the Missus. “That’s one for the record books.”

“And I’m just not sure what to do with him.”

The Missus looked Sephiroth in the eye, then stared him up and down. She didn’t need to lean in. Looked like her glasses were only for show. Her eyes shifted askance, getting the elves on board. Sephiroth put his mug down, sensing the change in the air. “Tell you what, dear,” the Missus began, “you get along and see to the reindeer. The elves and I will take care of it.”

“Wouldn’t know what to do without you, love,” the old man said, and bustled down the corridor. 

His wife’s sugarplum smile lasted exactly as long as it took for him to be out of earshot. Then she turned on Sephiroth like a Turk shaking down a shady informant. “Alright, young man,” she said. “I think the rest of them have filled you in on how it works around here.”

“You’re in on this too?” Sephiroth’s voice cracked just a little. “What the hell kind of operation do you have going here?”

“Bowse, lock the door,” the Missus said. She swept up her velvet skirts and enthroned herself in the big armchair her husband had just vacated. “Now, listen, young man. When I married into the Kringle family, the responsibilities of maintaining the family image became just as much mine as his. Even more so, in some respects. He takes care of the production and delivery line. We,” and she paused to glance around the room, gathering her minions to her. “We take care of security risks.”

“I see,” Sephiroth said, and reached for his hot chocolate once again. Might as well, after all, and the gingerbread was really fine. “Does, uh, Mr. Kringle know you do this?”

“No,” said the Missus, “and that is the way we’d like to keep it. He’d lose all heart if he knew what kind of evil’s been growing in the world.”

“Evil like me, you mean,” Sephiroth said. 

“And possibly me.” Mrs. Kringle looked him up and down again. “There’s worse,” she said. “Like your tramp mother, for one.” The elves gasped.

“I knew it!” said Wunorse.

_“That bitch,”_ Mother said.

Sephiroth set his mug down. “What did you say about my mother?”

“She never told you, did she?” said Mrs. Kringle. “I knew you were hers the instant I saw you. You’ve got her face, or enough of it. Flew in here a couple of millennia ago and tried to steal my man.”

_“I didn’t know he was married.”_

__

__

_“Mom!”_ Sephiroth stood, bumping the gingerbread. “What exactly are you talking about, Mrs. Kringle?” 

Wunorse piped up. “She found them smooching!”

“No mistletoe involved,” said Bowse. Kandi pulled the nutcracker back out. 

“You saw my mother kissing Santa Claus?” Sephiroth blinked and edged away from Kandi. _“Mom?!”_

__

__

“Eh, I have a type.”

“What? Old and fat?”

_“Jolly and prosperous,”_ Mother snapped. _“Mind your manners. I raised you better than this.”_

_“No, you didn’t,”_ Sephiroth said. The scowl showed on his face. _“You didn’t raise me at all.”_ He slumped back into the chair, slurped off the rest of his hot chocolate and set the mug down with a bang. “So now what? You take me out back and let the little murder midgets finish the job?”

The elves gasped. 

“He said the M-word,” Pepper said, aghast. Wunorse smacked the candy cane hard enough to break the end off into a jagged point. 

“We don’t take kindly to that kind of language out here, young man,” said Mrs. Kringle, “And ordinarily, yes, that is the usual course of events.”

Sephiroth glanced around at the irate little people, waiting for the word. “But?” he prompted.

Wunorse sighed. “We’re out of space to hide the bodies.” Sephiroth’s stomach did a little flip. 

“We’re running out of space,” said Mrs. Kringle, “because of a worse evil than you, or that blue hellcat mother of yours. So you’re being recruited, because we need your help.”

“My help? With a worse evil?” 

“Recruiting him?” Bowse protested.

“Yeah, Mrs. K,” said Pepper, frowning hard. “I don’t know about this.”

Sephiroth twitched his toes inside his boots and wished somebody would smack him with the pole a second time, just to reset life to normal. “What’s worse? Wait, Hojo! Oh, Shinra!”

“Global warming,” said Wunorse.

Mrs. Kringle nodded. “It’s melting the permafrost and letting the bodies thaw out.”

“And thawing bodies attract carrion eaters, and attention, and they’re liable to sled downhill and spark an investigation,” Kandi said, twirling the nutcracker like a butterfly knife. “I have to saw off so many fingertips these days to keep them ground level.”

Sephiroth swallowed. “Right.”

“You’re out and about in the wider world,” said Mrs. Kringle, rising. She went to the window, staring out at the light snow before drawing the curtains. “We need you to do whatever it takes, pull what strings, play what charades, anything, to bring Shinra down, and any climate changing corporation that might come after it. We need the secret of the season to remain a secret, so that dear man can carry on his work without the disillusionment of living in such a world.”

“Uh-huh.” Sephiroth reached for another piece of gingerbread. “What’s in in for me?”

Glances were exchanged. Sephiroth waited. Mrs. Kringle lifted her head. “I’ll put in a good word with my husband for you.”

Sephiroth stopped chewing. He swallowed everything in his mouth in a big gulp. “You- You’ll get me off the naughty list?” 

“I’ll do what I can,” Mrs. Kringle said. 

Sephiroth considered it. _“It’s a good deal, Seph,”_ Mother said. _“The old bitch might hold a grudge but she’s true to her word.”_

_“And maybe I could finally get that tricycle I always wanted.”_ Sephiroth dusted off the crumbs. “You have a deal,” he said. “Now I just need to get my-“

“HO, HO, HO!” Mr. Kringle’s voice boomed down the corridor.

“The door, Bowse, the door,” Pepper said, scrambling to help Wunorse shove candy cane splinters under the rug. The door swung open and in came the man himself, holding the Masumune. 

“Look what I found out in the reindeer pen,” he said. “Yours, I take it?”

“Yes! Thank you!” Sephiroth reached for the sword, his face falling as he found the hilt oddly wet. 

“Uh, yeah, about that,” his host said. “Blitzen might have peed on it. Been trying to break him of the habit but he’s been testy lately.” 

“Right,” Sephiroth said. 

“The young man will be leaving soon,” said Mrs. Kringle. “He’s got important business to attend to and we can’t keep him from it.”

“And he won’t…?” Mr. Kringle asked. His eyes finished the thought.

“Not a word,” his wife replied. 

“I knew you’d handle it, love,” the jolly old man said. “You always know how to manage these things. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“I’m sure I don’t know either, dear,” she said, while Sephiroth tried his best to look anywhere but at them. 

“Well, come along, everyone,” Mr. Kringle said. “It’s the busy season and we’ve still got work ahead. Wunorse, you can show the young man out, right?”

“Right away, Boss,” the old elf said, waving his candy cane shiv behind his back just enough for Sephiroth to see. 

After being packed up with a couple packages of cookies and gingerbread ‘for the road’, and a quick stop at a sink to rinse off the reindeer pee, Sephiroth was led to a giant door and sent out into the howling wind. 

“It’s not so bad,” he thought. Still, he turned back to the doorway, where the warmth and the cheer and the best hot chocolate in the world was to be found. 

“Hey, hey, no dawdling,” Wunorse said. “You have a job to do.”

“And if I fail?” Sephiroth asked.

“We finish our job,” the old elf said, brandishing his shiv. “I use traditional Oppansley family methods. You wouldn’t like ‘em.”

Sephiroth nearly dropped his cookies. “Your name’s Wunorse Oppansley?”

“What about it?” 

“Nothing, nothing, I’m going.” Sephiroth turned and headed into the snow. When he next looked back he couldn’t see the light in the doorway anymore. He couldn’t even see the pole. “Hmm,” he said. “At least I have cookies.”

_“And a job to do,”_ Mother reminded him. 

“Of course, of course.” He trudged off, wondering if he would ever have a place to hang a stocking of his own.


End file.
